upon closer look, i discover that i am not all i imagine myself to be.
mostly, i am self-critical. it is in this criticism that i consider some of my positive traits. for example, i am honest. i believe myself to possess such humility as to render myself always open to change, with an ear that hears all from the Lord, a heart so open as to be constantly molded.
at this idea, i almost cringe. is it possible that in my false humility, i see myself so open as to not necessarily possess any openness?
i must admit, i am really struggling at church right now. the past few months at church and in small group have found my the devil’s advocate, quick to find fault in words and ideas. from every which way come discussions that i feel are a waste of time or pointless. enter spiritual pride. this is what i mean. in having these thoughts and reactions, it seems as if, in all truth, i’m not open to what He may have to say to me, or what new discoveries can come from visiting topics i’d rather not visit.
i’ve kept to myself lately. both on the internet and in church. because i don’t know how to disagree. it feels wrong to disagree. and as i realize that i am not as open to what God may want to say, be it large or small, i feel less and less qualified to disagree.
i’ve heard stories about people who are perfectionists. people whose tendencies got in the way of understanding grace and joy. people who were just as confused about God as i am. as soon as i feel that i know some ways to pursue him, i’m knocked on my face and told something different.
and i don’t know how to hear things and not feel personally attacked. i’m having trouble receiving life from many of the words surrounding my current spiritual situation. when discussions bring out the imperfections i see in myself, i usually end up in anger or sadness. once again feeling like i’ll never get there. like i’m neither good enough nor christian enough.
i could rant on and on. but i mostly just wanted to extract some of what is going on. everything i’ve been thinking and feeling on this subject could never fit into one blog post.
My heart goes out to you. I don't like that you're feeling this frustration, from a people that should be breathing life into you. I'd be glad to talk to you about it, as I love you and I want to understand what you're going through and I want it to be better for you. I don't really know what else to say. Though I'm not feeling that way in this environment (but I have been out of town some Sundays), I can understand why you would be feeling this way.
Please remember that there's a big difference between sacred conviction that leads to repentance and guilt and self-criticism that lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness. There is no condemnation for you because you are Christ's, you won't be put to shame.
Thank you for being open and confessing this frustration. Thank you for being a wonderful, fun, intelligent, talented friend. Seeing you at your place of work always brightens my day. I'm so thankful that you could love on my kitty these past two weeks too 🙂
Hey, I don't want to detract from this by saying more than I need to, so I thought I'd just leave it at a few things:
1) I miss you. It was always nice talking to you and feeling like I wasn't the only person who felt something. I still get that from your blogs, and it does more for me than you know.
and
2) <3 you, friend 🙂
I like what crackers said about the difference between conviction and guilt.
There is a place in the church body for rebuke – imagine if there wasn't? All kinds of nonsense would be going on. But if it's going to come, it should come from people who know you well and who want to make a difference in your life. It's not about gossip and hurt feelings… does that make sense?
But it will most likely still hurt because you are being convicted about something you don't want to think about. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be said.
Those are the things God uses to grow and stretch us. I have been there – trust me.
And everything else I would like to say wouldn't fit in one comment box, so we are even 😉