i have been witness a grand melange of emotions since i last posted. for the most part, i am experiencing this bizarre feeling that strangely resembles non-existence. in wolof, being asked how you are, the response is “mangi fi rekk” or “i am here only” and i find that this suits me very well.
it is not that i am lonely, i have friends here in saint louis, ive met some people that are enjoyable to hang out with and to whom i can speak very easily, without that self-concious feeling that often controls me. yet i feel somewhat lost. i dont know why i am here. i dont know what i am doing. i dont even know where my days go. they are not flying by, but its as if they were never there. as if twenty four hours has become both only six hours and one hundred hours at the same time. i am being carried away by something i cant identify and im often anxious about time, about money, about work, about friends, about returning to the US, about relationships, about the senegalese people.
i am not myself and i am not not-myself. i am just here. i have not drawn, painted, taken photos, written, or danced alone in my room like i was doing in the months before i came to senegal. yet at those times i remember feeling like i couldnt wait to be me, me here in senegal. there is no inspiration.
and i truly feel cut off. how can anyone back home understand these things? how can people see and feel and smell and hear and know the things i have seen, felt, smelled, heard, and known. and whats more, its as if everyone i once knew is no longer. im here, and here is all there is. there is no one else, there is no texas, no past.
though i am here, i am not home. i dont have time, i dont feel comfortable with the everyday activities (whatever those may be). these things dont come easy. it is not as if i am uncomfortable in the basic comfort sense, but more in this metaphysical sense. the strange feeling of only existing but nothing more. my soul is not in despair, and i dont lack hope. i am just not on that spot. that spot where we find ourselves to be exactly where we know we need to be, where things are going, we are moving, we are us. i am me, and i am doing what i do, and doing it with purpose.
i feel rushed at every moment, and i dont know why, because i am not.
Mangi fii rekk ak yangi fa rekk.
Nous restons toujours avec un absence qui est tellement impossible à identifier parce qu’il n’est pas du tout tangible. Il n’y a rien on peut dire à toi, sauf que, peut-etre, j’ai esperance que tu vas trouver un reponse, un inspiration qui va t’aider reveiller. Je pense que tu restes, comme moi, dans une reve.
Moi, je me suis juste reveillé quand j’avais te rencontré. Quand est-que tu vas reveiller, sama xarit?
Hey Tahni! Just want to let you know that we are thinking of you and praying for you daily. Love you,
Louanne