this morning i woke up from a dream that i was in istanbul. a few friends and i had gone there from dakar for the evening (remember its a dream) and i decided to roam the streets with one of them, feeling completely at home in istanbul. in my dream, i knew i had to move there.
i am always moving towards deeper acclamation into the culture here. though some days i cant stand it, its not much different than days that i cant stand in the States. and though i move deeper into life here, i know that in less than three weeks, i will again be uprooted. unfortunately, i a lot about going home. not because i am dying for life there, but because i am anxious about how i will feel and how i have changed and the feelings of again leaving friends and life behind. but it seems that these days, at this age, life is always changing. we must always move on, whether we want to or not. what happened?
i have been a bit disappointed in myself the past week or so. i always thought i was a leader, that i took charge, that i was responsible and got things done. but it seems that working at the school, i am everything im not. i dont take charge, i dont plan and prepare, i dont try to get things moving- get the kids doing something. everything is a miserable failure with the kids, and its just plain difficult. still, i feel very disappointed in myself for letting a difficult situation get me down and get the best of me.
ive been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things, which is no doubt, typical of me. friday at the talibe center i decided that i would hand out the bread to the boys. these are kids in a messed up system that have to beg for their food everyday. at this center in the evening we give them bread, sometimes with chocolate spread. friday there were tons and tons of kids. so many, that we had to break the already half pieces of bread in half to make fourths. i was ashamed handing the boys a piece of bread that was a quarter of the size that i ate for breakfast. ive seen poverty here, but not the kind of poverty you expect, in dakar and st louis, the poverty is nothing like that which you hear of in the news, or in seminars or what have you. but friday evening, i was really ashamed of the way so many people live, eating mounds and mounds while these children eat next to nothing. i wish that i had more of the spirit of an entrepeneur, more drive, and even more compassion.
and while im on this note, i am also disappointed in the way i have handled the time i spend in the Word. if you can call it that. for months, maybe even years, i just look at the Bible and feel overwhelmed. its so much. how can i possibly know what to read? how can i possibly start somewhere? and as everyone says, its all so important. how do i read slowly? how do i take it all to heart like i feel like i should? how am i supposed to study it without getting bored and tired of studying. studying is all i ever do, and frankly, its the last thing i want to do when i am resting. i can read any old passage, but what makes it change my morning/afternoon/evening/day? i know the answers. i know its God, the Holy Spirit, etc. i know im not the one who can change myself, but i dont feel these answers. my soul doesnt feel peace with that. because everyday its the same thing- i should read the Bible today. but i dont know what to read, its hard to read it slowly and “take it all in” and i could just read a book or listen to music instead. i want this to change, as well as the amount that i pray, but im lacking so much motivation and i dont know why. id like to pretend im angel, id like for you all to think that i have it together and i am exactly where i want to be, but its just not true. and maybe someone else is comforted by that.
one last deep thought before i go. friday night i was out at clubs until five in the morning. i know, im so cool. anyway, the point is that when i go to clubs, i cant help watch the girls. they are so beautiful, dancing, laughing, dressed in next to nothing. and then i realize that there is something lacking.one girl in particular on friday night really touched me. she was wearing a dress that covered just enough so you wouldnt see her underwear. she wants attention. she wants to be loved. she wants to have value. i saw her later, sitting down next to me, and i could see in her expression that she felt empty. that she knew all this act wasnt satisfying. yet she continues to do these things, to expose herself, to gain attention, in hopes that she will fill that void that exists. the void that we all know is there, that everyone knows is there, but no one ever talks about. the void that girls want to fill with love, who desire desperately that someone would see them. would be taken by them. would give them attention and love them more than anything in the world. it is because they dont know their value, they dont know how precious they are. that what they have, who they are, is worth protecting, is worth so much- that it is worth someone’s time and love. that they are sexy, and it doesnt have to be as the popular culture says it does. i wish i could tell them these things. i wish i could assure them that they have value.
and since when are we animals who “cant help it” and that it would be “impossible” to wait for marriage to have sex? ive heard that too many times this summer…too many times.
this is one of the chickens that lives in my courtyard. i used to wonder why all the nasty things were there. then, they chopped off his head and i ate him for dinner on saturday. 🙂
Tahni – I think I could type for an hour touching on all the things in this post. But for now I will tell you that I understand the kinds of thoughts that you are having and we can talk a lot when you get back.
I know with the start of school, you won’t have much time to aclimate to life in the states again, but I know that you will never regret that you made this trip. God has used it in ways that you can’t imagine or see right now. Sharpening you and wearing away edges…the things we need to grow with Him.
I love you and we pray for you daily.