i love this picture so much. in it, i see life. there is something so alive about its color. the movement of some people. the stationary quality of others, sitting, inside of the starbucks. life happened as a result of this photo. i had to take it. and liz and i missed our bus home because of it, which turned into quite an adventure– one that i wouldnt take back for anything.
i’m starting to wonder, no, hope, that this blog will start finding a new direction. i’m hoping that i will begin to step more into my artistic voice. i haven’t blogged real thoughts in weeks because my thoughts have been so mopey and self-centered. life is swallowing me whole, and i have this self-depricating ability to claim myself the victim and watch it happen.
i’m in this dirty cycle wherein i feel useless and lazy which tends to encourage further purposelessness and laziness. life is unorganized and i can’t stay on top of it.
and today, i realized that that is just how it is. it is messy. it is unorganized. it is painful. but the journey, everything we encounter along the way, is supposed to be beautiful. and for some reason, i am blind to that. i’m still searching for peace and contentment.
i don’t know why i am so negative. i don’t know why i yearn for things. and why when i get them, they still dissatisfy me.
i started this blog because i see these things in myself. that was over a year ago, yet i still find myself in the same place where i lack peace, joy, and hope daily.
oh how i want them to be part of my life.
when i read the Bible, all of its ideas excite me. the thought of being joyful, of peace that surpasses all understanding, of having wisdom, of loving people. but i’m just so bad at letting these things be part of my life. or, i’m admitting that {i think} the process of having these things is taking too long in me.
and i wonder when i won’t feel so lost anymore. nevertheless, i carry on. hoping that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, will bring the peace and understanding i am seeking.
This is so beautifully written and everything you've said i can relate to. I certainly have periods like that as well. I think that we're all constantly looking for peace. The searching is the journey and I don't think it ever ends!
Word.
Well, I don't know when and how it started, but I think you have lost something or someone important in you life. mostly, when people feel this way for such a long period of time, they comfort themselves by this feeling, they swim in it with a hope someone will help them and with sureness someone MUST help them. but the thing is that it is your life and you are the one responsible for that. it is up to you what it looks like. if you don't want to rescue yourself no one will, so stop hoping. and if you really want to take all this sadness from your life, i can give you the site, which helped me. I don't know if you read russian, maybe the internet or your friend will help you with it.
http://afield.org.ua/ps/lilia1.phtml
and here is my E-mail
[email protected]
you can write me anytime.
Tahnawannahavehope:
Hey kiddo, be joyful always! See how easy that was? First of all, I do not think that I agree with all of the comments from Natalia. Specifically, the loss of someone or something in your life leading to your current circumstances. I also believe that you have some responsibility for your own peace, hope and joy, but the main responsibility is to trust in the Lord first and then allow Him to direct your steps. That is oft times harder to do than it sounds.
To me (maybe naively), I think that all these emotions you are feeling are a result of your current gypsy lifestyle and the uncertainty about the future. Think about it, until May 2009 the whole of your life was rather organized, rigid and easy from a comfort and quality of life perspective. You had goals that were measurable with finite time-lines for successful completion. Now the only thing that is certain in your life (Lord willing) is a day of great celebration that will (ironic to your blog title) provide you a great deal of peace, hope and joy.
I say you do what you have become expert at doing and that is to prioritize all of the aspects of your life and then let go and let God. Things, though important in their own ways, like YOUR career, YOUR art, YOUR purpose, YOUR legacy, etc. together add up to bug spit in God's grand scheme for your life.
The ideas of the Bible are exciting and they are powerful. You are neither useless nor lazy. You CAN remain organized in unorganized times, pain free during all trials and found in the middle of a forest or a vast desert.
You may remember me say many times, "You may not be able to control all of your circumstances, but you can ALWAYS control your attitude!" To this point made by Natalia, I will concur. Your attitude is the first line of defense against any and ALL things negative. So, be joyful always!
Love,
Dad