i know i have already written once today but i have something else to say.
i feel as if i am holding myself back from doing things and i cant figure out why. as i mentioned earlier, i know some of it has to do with the fact that it is something like going to sit at a bar when i have 10 am class the next day, thats not my thing.
but its beyond these things that i am struggling. during the day when people go off and do random things like go to the beach, go to a drumming thing, go grab lunch at a cafe, or go somewhere at night- i never want to go. i just feel like i would rather go to the internet cafe and check email or call someone from home.
i dont know what my deal is and i didnt come here just so that i could sit in the internet cafes during my free time i dont have class, but thats genuinely what i want to do anytime we have like an hour or two, or class is over.
i dont know why i am holding back but i dont want to. i dont know how to change that.
thats all really. i am just concerned about myself and worried that i will miss out on things because i am being a loner or i miss home.
the same goes for conversation as well, i find myself holding back and not saying much. and it is hard for me to venture out and say something in french when im at home.
I wrote you 300 versions of a comment, but I could not make any of them sound the way I wanted them to sound or tell you exactly what I was trying to express.
So all I will say is this…
I love you. Take a deep breath and drive in.
Tahnstantinople:
Woo hoo, WotDfD Part Deux:
“Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! — Psalm 46:10 (NKJV)
Ahhh, such a wonderfully sensitive woman (sweet too!). I think you are over-analyzing your “holding back”. There is not some activities competition going on in Senegal and if there is, who needs the extra pressure? Wanting to spend your spare time in the ways that makes you feel the most comfortable is, well, comforting!
It might surprise you to know that when I travel on business I usually stay away from other co-workers and very often eat alone. And guess what, I like it! Perhaps I have a “been there, done that” mentality given my age, but you know what? – I like my solitude. As you know, at this very moment in time I feel my life is richly blessed so it is easy for me to be still and know that He is God.
So my encouragement to you today is that you do the things that bring you joy and know that He is God and He will light your ways.
BTW, you are one of my life’s principal blessings! I thank God for you today and every day.
Je vous aime beaucoup, Papa
hey tahni. it’s ryan from mbour. i think what has allowed me to miss the homesickness is not allowing myself to use the computer very much. i try to only come once a week, but i usually end up visiting twice. but i guess you have much more of a need and access to a computer. feel free to call anytime, really. oh, and i won’t be visiting dakar this saturday. but i will be visiting there to see my senegalese dad’s family the 28th of june. will you still be there? hopefully we can work something out.
You’re going to be there for a while. Don’t feel that you need to do everything now. I think once you grow to be more comfortable with life there, you may be able to live without the internet every so often. But even if you don’t — it’s not “the internet” but rather a connection with your friends and family. If friends and family are important to you, and give you the support you need to make it through this mission trip, then so be it. The world is full of a diverse group of individuals.
Hey Tahni, I definitely know that exact feeling from when I went to Spain. One of the things I prayed (and still pray) was for God to help me be present in my life, not in the past or future tense. Somehow that helps me personally to not crave computer time as much, because sometimes for me, using the computer is an escape of sorts. An escape from the moment and opportunities that I really do have, in hopes of fantasy opportunities through virtual communities or relationships. I’m not saying any of that is true w/ you but that was my big struggle in Spain. Looking back I’m so glad for the time I spent blogging each night and getting encouraging emails from people when I felt so alone over there. I also wish I’d stepped out more like going to dancing classes and talking with people even when I felt highly uncomfortable or even introverted and wanting to just crawl in my own hole. But it sounds like you are doing awesome with that. Way to do those drumming and dance classes!! You go girl, live it up!!
-Holly