i don’t know how i feel about february yet. beautiful friendships are forming. i feel even more connected. but i also get closer and closer to leaving the people i love. i’m starting to not like the way our culture works. why must we all leave? and live far from our families?
no matter where i go, i will be far from people i dearly love. i can’t win.

all around me, people are either losing their jobs or they can’t get one to begin with. and i’m not even looking for one yet. not only do i not know which city i will be in, but i also wouldn’t even know where to start. i’m beginning to think i a.) won’t get a job or b.) will have to take a job i hate just to pay the bills.

though i do not want to leave loved ones or really be finished learning french, art, and culture, i am anxious to take on the next “season” of my life. and i feel rather like i am stuck in a rut, unmoving.

i would not say trust is my greatest strength at this moment. i feel like i am trusting God with everything and every part of my life. and though (i think) i believe that He is working all out for my good, i’m still a bit angry that things aren’t working out my way. i’m pretty ashamed to admit that, but anything else would be a lie.

i keep being told over and over in my spirit, that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks and my heart is speaking frustration. i’ve been pretty edgy the past couple weeks and i know that i am speaking out of what is in my heart. quick to take offense or frustration.

maybe things would be different if i were as dedicated to prayer, reading, and reflection as i was last semester. that is not really a maybe, i know that to be the truth. not that there is a list of things we must do if we want to be close to God, but i know and have seen that the more time we spend with Him, the more we trust Him, love Him, and experience Him. part of walking humbly with Him is taking time with Him.

i think i’m going to leave this where its at today. i wasn’t expecting so much to come out. but hopefully the honesty will pave the way to moving beyond and growing from my current situation in life. either way, i want to be where i am at every moment. because the idea that “things will be better when…” is a load of crap.