i am pretty frustrated (which often translates into anger) that i haven’t updated in awhile. i dont typically like to post unless i feel strongly about something and feel led in some way to write. to write in hopes that i will be better understood and that others will be encouraged to be honest with themselves and those surrounding them.

i feel a bit stifled lately. not everything is stifled. i have seen joy. i have begun to understand in my spirit that things will never be the same. that there is something so utterly life-giving about knowing that it is possible to be still and rest in the fact that I am not in control and everything rides on hope in Him.

i feel completely disheartened. all these clouds of confusion and anger have recently broken free, pouring out their long awaited rains. yet, i keep encountering dear friends who wrestle with thoughts i have had for years. but i cant do anything about it. i feel like my experiences should be able to minister. but i dont have the words to say. i dont have the words to speak to it on my blog. i dont have the words to speak in face to face conversations, nor in emails.

all around me i see pain and confusion. i see others who can’t seem to cross the threshold with God that frees them from the torment of life. people confess to me that they wonder about purpose. they wonder why God is not there, why He is not answering. why christianity has not been all its cracked up to be.

good grief all the times i thought christianity was not what it seemed it should be. how i long to express this Spirit moving within me. i cannot harness the words.

what i can say is that in my experience, i had to sort of let go of all those expectations. the expectations that as christians we should have this sort of life that always leaves us fulfilled. even when times are hard, because we are christians we have life and God figured out. i dont know if that makes sense, but i just sort of had to drop it. i had to realize that sanctification is painfully slow. and most of all- that i couldnt do it.

the funny (and galling) thing about works-based christianity is that when you finally realize its bullshit, you still want to do something to fix it. to fix yourself. you want to be active in getting the right thing, in truly understanding God, to not being works based. but you are continuing to frustrate the process in doing so.

you no longer understand God and who He is and what He wants and expects but you want to figure it out. i dont know if this is always the case or if i am speaking absolute truth, but i didnt figure it all out. once i had given up and like John said “are you the one (Jesus) or should i expect another?” was when i truly got an answer.

everything stopped.

i stopped.

then the monsoon of brokenness came. since i had given up and resolved that i could not understand it and i could not fix it, something finally broke. and then i heard something deep within me.

and now, its as if everything that has happened over the years has led me to where i am. the anger, bitterness, and confusion over the loss of joyful faith slowly dried up. a Spirit is moving and i wish that you could see it. sometimes i wish i could see it, its not always as close as i want it to be.

its as if i am being propelled forward- up and out. but it is not me who is doing any of it. its as if a previously broken bone has been set right, yet i took off the cast and somehow it healed itself.

i cant take you there. i couldnt even take myself there. i dont know how to explain to you that there is something solid, secure, purposeful, and peaceful in having a heart hoping in Christ.

for the first time, my heart knows something that my head doesnt.