i’m all confused right now because i am typing with an english keyboard after having used a french keyboard all this time, i didnt realize that i had already memorized the french keyboard.

it was amazing to me to discover yesterday the effect that the beginning of my day had on the entire day. i began extremely stressed about whether or not to drop wolof and the stress played itself over and over in even small situations. on top of that, it made french nearly impossible to understand. last night at the dinner table i finally got tired of the kids and kambey speaking wolof so for my own amusement i said (and very quickly) “maybe if i just speak english really fast and no one else can understand me, i will feel better about myself.” by the time i had finished, the kids were saying “stop! stop! no, we don’t understand!” although they are learning english in school, it is, of course, very basic english. needless to say, i got a good laugh and did in fact, feel better about myself.

after this little episode, the night picked up. there is a magical element of communication in laughter shared among people. although it is hard to speak and half of the time i just nod my head with no clue as to what was actually said, laughing and speaking broken french and english manages to bind people together. we laughed about how cynthia (12) has three boyfriends and that remy (10) has a girlfriend. of course they both adamently deny these facts and perpetuate the lies about the other. it was much to my amusement to ask remy if he kisses his girlfriend and to see his face twist up as he says “NO!”

also very interesting. it was thrust into the open last night that i have a boyfriend, im guessing because kambey, who cleans my room, has seen the pictures that i have taped to my wall (thank you dad and brooke for the tape) anyway, they asked why i had kept it from them and i explained that someone at the center had told me that if i told them about my boyfriend at first, they will be under the impression that i love him more than my family or friends. they freaked out and informed me that this was indeed, not the case. whew.

in other news, i went to the Sorano theater the other night downtown to watch this music and dance thing coupled with a play adapted from a short story by Ousmane Sembene, who is one of the writers/film makers we are studying. in the middle of it, and much to our surprise, danny glover comes on stage, very confused, to say something about sembene, who passed away this time last year. it was really crazy and random because danny glover was just chillen really close to me. i didnt get his autograph, but i did snap some photos.

this whole adventure has been a long process (and will continue as such) of me learning to accept who i am. at home, i am easily accepted by those who love me and share many of my beliefs, but here it is not the case. i often feel like i am lame because i dont go out to the bars and ive actually only been out once. most of the group does go out and they have gone out at least four times, while i have chosen to stay home and do homework or sleep. not to mention the fact that going to bars isnt really my thing.

its weird to not have the same views, the same values, and the same experiences to share in conversation with others and sometimes i wonder if i am isolating myself too much. or am i missing out? i mean, i didnt come here to party and it seems that a lot of people keep saying “i came here to have a great time!” i also need a great deal more alone time than others and i don’t jump at every opportunity to do this or that with groups of people who go to do things. i just feel a bit isolated.

to layer on top of the issue of different view points, i was greatly saddened in a conversation today. we were discussing love and marriage as it pertained to “So Long a Letter,” a novel that we read for our literature class. it was difficult for me to even think of what to say to add to the conversation because i feel that most people will not understand. it was as if there was disillusionment and a loss in the belief and hope of love. that love will see us and guide us through this lifetime.

of course, love for me is different because i understand its relation to God and his creation and protection in love, but regardless- i dont feel that anyone believes in it anymore. people criticize and fail to see that love and marriage is beautiful and that over time, and through the course of life, it gets stronger and goes beyond that feeling of romance. they seem to believe that love does not last, that it does not grow stronger, and that it is not something worthy of protection and perserverance. i literally felt bereft and that something beautiful had been removed from these people’s lives.

to add on to that, last night, one of the girls really opened up to me and shared a lot about what is currently going on in her life. it was a good conversation and i feel like she took some of what i had to say to heart, but at the same time, in talking about love, i felt that she will settle and that she misunderstands marriage and the way in which we should put our spouse above ourselves and see eachother through. she seeks comfort and i dont feel it is in the correct place or person, and she knows that. anyway, im not really sure how to explain what i feel for her and what is exactly going on, but i do know what is missing and i do know why she feels a need for something. i just pray that one day, and soon, she finds truth and knows the God who restores and who holds all things together.

and as for me, i desire to know His presence greater here, to see the Spirit and to be daily overwhelmed with peace.