as my ever-so-insightful little starbucks journal told me today: “be brave.”

i’m thinking:
be brave, be brave. hmmmmm. be brave.

and then, like a balloon bursting at that moment of too much air, this practically exploded from my pen:

“to me, being brave is facing that which you know you must face. bravery is so mixed up in our fables of heroes conquering all that is evil in one fell swoop and with a pretty little lady by one’s side. and as a woman, i want to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure. but what about confronting my aversions to certain aspects of christianity? what about opening myself up to be convicted of my faults? what about stepping out and serving others- especially children (whom i fear greatly)?
what about confessing the thoughts, fears, dreams, hopes, and desires that lie dormant within? what about pursuing french without earning a grade? and pursuing friendships? hanging out with people outside of my close-knit group again? international students?
what about giving up some of my coveted “me-time”? putting joseph first? letting go of an argument?
what about pushing myself to read the Bible more? to actually know some of it in my heart? to commit to studying it with someone else? to stop feeling all the expectations i place on myself? to dare to be different without fearing it? to challenge the norm?

to fail? yes, what if i dare to fail. or at least, to take on something that might fail. any of these things i have mentioned could fail. i could downright suck.”

and so i say, there must have been a lot of air swishing around in my soul. many things that have failed to represent themselves accurately to me. or perhaps, in the fray of graduating, job searching, trying to make some money, and just downright not wanting to be still, i have overlooked many things that would require i be brave.

i don’t think i’ll take them all on at once.

but i will face the idolatry that i have made to myself. to my “brilliant success of a school career.” to the fact that i believe that I should have a job, and a great one at that, that people are impressed with, and that i deserve because i’m such a great/awesome/smart/fill-in-the-blank-with-any-other-prideful-adjective-you-can-think-of, person.

it is this that brought that to light: psalm 115:1-8
…but their idols are silver and gold [or, in my case, haivng a great job] made by the hands of men, they have mouths but cannot speak. eyes, but cannot see. they have ears, but cannot hear…those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.

that was a doozy.