“my restless heart which nothing finite can satisfy”

this morning, as i read through a prayer that someone very wise had written, i read this line and was immediately reminded of my own heart. i have recognized for years that there is nothing finite, nothing mortal, nothing visible, tangible, touchable, that can satisfy my heart to its upmost.

with the departure of a dear friend, i find myself suffering the fear and loneliness i felt when i first arrived. it is incredible the influence of people in my life, yet at the same time, i depend too much on the companionship and affection of others. i am hoping that in this time, this five and a half weeks that remains, God will continue to grow me in being truly satisfied in Him, again- having that contentment in every situation.

if nothing else, i trust Him.

i trust his timing, i trust my circumstances, i trust that i am where i am and when i am because it is where he has me. i desire to see beyond, to focus on the eternal of all my situations rather than on the difficulty or the pain of the moment.

it is hard to know what to document. do i document the extent to which work discourages me in that truly i dont know what to do each day and find myself exasperated and frustrated every day i leave, wondering how in the world i will make it through these next five weeks. truthfully, i know that i can make it and that God can see me through, i just feel so discouraged about it and dread going to work each morning, wishing that things were different.

not only this, but i beat myself up, wondering the impression that i make on others around me. am i being just like them? do i seem depressed and without hope? do i just look like another person with a bad attitude, rather than someone who is relying on God and is fully of joy. i feel conflicted about how to act, wanting to act in a certain way but then finding it impossible and undesirable to be fake.

or, do i delve into the many wonderful things that have happened over the past few days, pretending that everything is fine and i dont spend a lot of time extremely melancholy, searching for hope and peace.

do i talk about the awe inspiring sand dunes that could evoke nothing but praise from my lips. it was exactly like the movies. you climb the dunes and look all around you and see nothing but dunes, the desert. going on forever.

at night, there is a silence that i have never heard before. a silence so strong that it is loud in your ears. a silence that no one knows exists. it persists every night, with no one to know it is there except God.

the dunes were beautiful and infinite, a finger print of the God who dreamed up something so vast.

a few friends and i spent the night in the dunes, in a mauritanian style tent, we rode camels, we danced to djembe, ate delicious food, and spent hours in the dunes contemplating faith, hope, and love. the whole time, all i could think was that i didnt deserve to be there. i dont deserve to be in senegal, blessed with so many beautiful experiences.

i feel that in this past difficult week and a half, i have been too bogged down by the frustrations to relate some of the amazing experiences, and for that i am really sad.

if i never get to post about them, some of the memories may live forever only in my mind, or in the minds of those that i shared them with.