the past few days have been difficult as i have struggled to make sense of the place of hope in life. while i understand that our overarching hope is in God (and that there is a place for hope in eternity spent with Him, whatever that looks like) i sincerely wonder about hope for things here in this life now.
i can’t seem to get past this idea that i am destined to a life of pain. i have experienced sweet things in the weeks since my return to the country, but i have also experienced absolutely debilitating pain. some days i walk on campus and feel that i walk as a thousand pieces that have been carelessly glued back together. i wake up, anxiety ridden, wondering how i will be able to handle the days to come. i know that the Lord is seeing me through, but i am tired. i am so tired after these past few years, but it just doesn’t seem to end.
i can’t see past this season. and it just confuses me. what is the balance of hoping in Christ for who He is and knowing that God is good to us and not hoping in things that he might give us. in a sermon by matt chandler i listened to the other day, he called it idolatry (and i hope i am saying this as he said it) but idolatry to do things and act in such ways thinking that ‘if i do this then God will give me this.’ now, i know that it is wrong to do that. but i gotta be honest, i want Him to give me good things in this life. i want to be blessed. and for goodness sake, i want to feel happiness.
i know that we don’t live for happiness. i know that life always comes with its pain (for everyone) and the Bible guarantees that we will suffer. that we will experience trials. but i just grab that and wall myself in. i dont know how to dream anymore. in fact, and i realized this in a conversation yesterday, i am too afraid to dream. those morsels of hope for things here and now are simply shattered by me as soon as they begin to form.
because i believe strongly in disappointment.
the good news in all of this is that it seems to me that this isnt the whole picture. that there must be something beyond, that hope in God does not just involve hope because one day we will no longer be sinful beings, ravaged by the troubles of this world.
i guess what im saying is i dont know what i can and cannot hope for. yes, Jesus is our hope and we hope in Him. but how does that play out in my every day hoping, dreaming, imagining, wishing, living.
i can pretend that i have it all together. and there have been times that i have. i can pretend that i am some good Christian just filled with hope and i dont have struggles with my relationship with God. but whats the point. what is the point of hiding these fears and these pains? it just lets the darkness continue to swallow me up.
my heart behind this statement and this blog in general:
“Jesus came to heal the sick and when we pretend we aren’t, we’re just lying… Life doesn’t have to be “fine.” You are not failing if it isn’t “fine.” God is not less loving or powerful or great if you tell someone the truth. If anything, when you open up and are honest, you get to share how even in the midst of something sucktacular God is carrying you through those times.”
(taken from the blog ‘stuff christians like’)
My heart hurts to read what you’re going through. A really long season of disappointments and without dreams is really tough. I pray that He IS speaking to your heart tenderly and that he will be begin to allow you to take the baby steps in the right direction toward healing.
I pray that he will give you daily bread. That he will give you just enough to sustain you to the next day. I think there is much rejoicing in the fact that he does that.
I hope that we are able to talk soon and catch up on things.
Until then…
Praise Him! (Psalm 37:4)
P.S. And thanks for the wall post. It makes me happy that you also listen to Chandler podcasts.
Tahnimulani:
Hey there girl. I want you to know that all that you are going through, “This too shall pass…” Just do not lose hope, which oddly is the premise of your whole blog from the beginning…”and we must learn to hope.”
It is so hard for me to find words to encourage you when you are where you are when you made this post. As I said above, I know things will improve and as long as you hang onto the architect of all hope, you will be made whole and be blessed.
You are not destined for a life of pain. I will say this as I lie in bed with my back still painful 3 weeks after surgery that I feel the balance of my life will involve pain. I myself am believing that God will deliver me from pain too. I am blessed to have Brooke supporting and caring for me through this whole ordeal. I recommend that you surround yourself with as many Brookes as you can muster. You have many friends and many who are praying for you.
Lastly, I wanted you to know that, today, we are going to pick up the framed Baobab Tree art that you brought us back from Africa. We will send a photo later. Meanwhile, keep the faith and know that we and thousands more love you.
Dad