just when i thought i couldnt put my life in anymore danger, i cruised around saint louis today literally hanging off the back of a car rapide. for those of you who are unfamiliar with a car rapide, it is at its easiet explained as a colorful van, usually crammed with people, going in every direction, and never very precise.

i’m having a very hard time shaking the feelings of discouragement that i feel. when i was in dakar, i felt as if i was living every moment to its fullest, only focused on where i was. and now, i am struggling to let go and move on. it is not that i dont want to be here in senegal, because i do. but i always long to feel purpose and at the moment i feel confusion. i am having trouble looking beyond the very small window that i have into my life, and i am focusing solely on that which worries me. i see that i am doing this but all the emotion is whirling around me.

as soon as i arrived to my first day of work today, i could sense a general attitude among the volunteers that was not too much of a surprise to me. it was clear that many did not want to be there. we took the kids to the beach today, which i hear is one of the better days. at the beach, as i was trying to figure out how to interact with the children and bring a positive attitude both to them and the volunteers, i began to seriously wonder what i am doing here.

the school is a place where about one hundred children during the hot summer mornings. five or so women work there. as the other volunteers explained to me, the women do nothing and the volunteers basically babysit for four and a half hours each day.

many volunteers want to quit this project.

how can i overcome this?

i feel myself falling into that trap. that trap that says “you arent making a difference here. why did you come to senegal to do this? these kids dont care. you cant inspire the others.”

i am holding on by a thread right now and its only been one day. i want to make change, i want to love, to laugh, to bring life. it is in this point that i seek for hope in God.

just when hope was at its greatest, i feel knocked down again. it is not in my own strength that i will make it here in saint louis. but i know that i will make it. i have not forgotten that it is a sovereign God who has brought me here and holds me always.

though these past three days have been rough, there have been good things too. last night, i spent a few hours speaking a melange of french, wolof, and english with omar (my host sort of brother) and my room mate amy. we tried to explain star wars, listened to james brown, and drank three glasses of attaya, the delicious senegalese tea. omar is wonderful to speak french with and i hope for many more nights like this.

i also discovered the anecdote to a bad day- biskrem cookies, yet another brilliant turkish invention. im totally moving to turkey.