i find myself itching to write these days and often with nothing of consequence to say. forgive me is this post is unrefined, but i tend to err on the side of unrefined in life in general.

my mind is whirling with thoughts and ideas yet i can’t seem to pinpoint any of them to translate into a coherent and meaningful article of sorts.

i now face a summer (followed by a life) of uncertainty. and if i’m quite honest with myself, i don’t like that. i so want to be that girl who faces the world undaunted, overflowing with adventure and spontaneity. there is a small piece of it inside of my that shows itself when not bound by the chains of fear and the shackles of “what if.” and it is funny because my photography demonstrates all these desires to break free from what i have known. to move beyond my fear and embrace life at its fullest.

l i b e r a t i o n .

i realize this has been a major theme of this blog and i don’t necessarily want to only write about this, but freedom is so near to my heart. i find myself over and over having this overwhelming urge to just shed all that i am and have and to be weightless, carried along by the wind.

for so long i have felt bound by rules and expectations and i wish that i could really get away from them. being away from college station is a major part of this. i often wonder about people who cannot escape, who don’t have the means to travel away from places that seem to bind them or suppress their freedom.

there is a week and a half until i leave the cosmos of what i know. i should be excited because it is exactly what i long for- to experience life in a foreign country, free to learn, to live, and to allow the hand of God to move me. but i am really afraid. i just want it to be so much more beyond my expectations. i want for greater intimacy with Him. it has been said that the free time i will have is just as important as the other things i am going to do and the opportunities to volunteer and spend time with people is endless. it comes down to the fact that when i am faced with so many opportunities i don’t know what to do, and then i begin to worry that i will not spend my time wisely. which is my main concern right now. i want to spend time with people, getting to know them, sharing with them, being part of their lives. i want to spend time serving others in need. but i’m afraid that setting all these things i want to do and formulating expectations, that i will fail to live up to those expectations. my innate yearning for perfection once again defeats me. it takes a beautiful thing and transforms it into something that makes me uneasy and afraid.

all of this becomes very spiritual because i feel like there is this sort of point you could be standing on, or more like a fresh river that you can be standing in. it is sort of a hot spot when you are right on. spiritually speaking. a point where you are walking closely and are moving in His spirit and allowing His guidance. it is like literally standing under the waterfall in the river of life. and its under that waterfall that i want to be standing, let it run over me and wash me, leaving me clean and refreshed in Him.

there are times in life when we are nearer to this point than others and i can see myself moving in that direction, and that it what i hope for. i think what i am really saying behind all the images and language is that i want to be filled with and moved by the Spirit. especially this summer while i am in Senegal. and i want that freshness to extend from me to others in my words and my deeds.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.