where gray becomes yellow and red seeps through the cracks and the holes.
where white is not white- but light;
and blue reaches deep to my soul.
i want to live in a world of color,
where the rain brings new life to the green,
the colors around me enfold me, surround me,
and orange remains yet to be seen.
i dont always live in this world of color- or world of life. right now i think i am standing on the edge between a gray scale world and one blush, lively and vibrant.
there is this tension that i feel caught up in and i don’t know quite how to deal with it.
all my life i have labored and poured my heart and soul into my school work. i’ve gotten the best grades, been in the top of my class, and been coined the next promising scholar. my parents, my teachers, my friends, my scholarship donors- everyone has always been very supportive and encouraging- promising me great things and marvelous success in life.
but what is success? i don’t know anymore. its been a rather quick breakdown the past month of motivation slipping more and more each day. truthfully, i dont understand how i can make it through another year of school- and that makes me anxious. i dont want a job where i work 40-50 hours a week doing lots of pushing paper, computer work, and administration.
am i lazy? i dont know. i just know that i want to live in a life-giving world existing of my acrylic paints, my camera, and my Bible.
and thus my problem. i’ve always thought and been encouraged to get a degree, graduate college top of my class, and go on to get a “really good job” probably have a few kids and grandkids, teach them about Jesus, and then die one day a happy person. but i don’t know if i want that.
i’ve always been hardcore women’s progression- getting top jobs and being just as intelligent and hard working as men, if not earning more money. and i still believe these things are good. but i’ve always wanted to be that and now that i don’t know if i want to be that anymore, my identity crisis deepens.
and so where does this lead me? on the brink of something beautiful. but afraid to leave behind what has defined me for so long. afraid to step out from behind the books and the bright and “successful” future.
i mean who am I if i’m not Tahni Candelaria- University Scholar? i dont know. and as much as i want to find out, my friend Fear is faithful and he is always by my side. he always reminds me of what i could be, what i would be leaving behind if i moved beyond a 4.0 and career opportunities.
perhaps God, who is far more faithful, will give me the grace to see Him moving me in the direction of abundant life. here’s hoping for that…
your blog is wonderful! I love all the photo’s…they add so much to the posts. I can totally understand part of your post, not the 4.0 part (haha tests never go well in my world), but I completely understand wanting to just wanting to leave school and go into a world filled with paint, a camera, and the Bible. I have had to exact same thoughts these past few months. But I also keep thinking that I have made it through 3 years of school, and in 10 years am I going to regret not having my degree? But all I want to do is run away and live in a life of color and art. I have just decided I am going to finish this thing out, but next year after graduation, I am going to escape into that world and not go into the real world of just making it through those 40 weeks.
Anyways, I thought I would let you know there are others out there that feel the same way.
The world of color is there my dear. There is so much I want to say to you about this topic, but not in the comment section 🙂
I love you!
Tahni:
You are a bright and beautiful child. How could I be so blessed as to have God Almighty personally make you my daughter? He could have given you to anyone, yet he chose you for me and vice versa. God has shown you the perfection that your earthly father could not begin to achieve. And you have woven together the lessons of an imperfect father with that of an absolutely perfect Father to become deeply and richly blessed in so many ways. The truth is that your success is not, nor has never been, measured by your grades nor your scholarships nor the extensive travel, nor your friends, nor your parents, nor your environment. Your successes are exclusively the result of the personal attention and will of a personal living and loving God. You have been faithful and He has rewarded you. You will make it through your final year of college with the same enthusiasm and the same results and when you are done you will do something that really matters. And it will be full of color, full of purpose, full of love and full of immeasurable value to you and ALL of those whom your life touches. I love you girl! – Dad
you and your thoughts or your art (or something) always seems to pop in at random times. .. yet not random at all
-juliette
I enjoy reading what you have to say. It’s very real. I encourage you to keep writing. You have a very beautiful heart and I’m very excited to see where God is going to lead you. I can very much relate to you in a lot of ways. Not really at the moment. But about a few months ago. I chose the decision that most would say is not the smartest of the two…
So I feel ya. If you ever want to talk about it more I would love to listen and hear more about it.
Take care. And good luck with everything.
-Tony