today i noticed that my spirit is still just so weak. something has eaten away at me and i have trouble still just dealing with Christianity. much of the language upsets my stomach and gets my blood pumping. i’m hoping and praying that this summer my spirit will be strengthened. i hope that my hope is not in vain. i have many expectations for senegal- most of them positive and believing that it will be exciting and refreshing, an upside down joyful experience.

would it be crazy if i didn’t come back to school?
its something that i have been mulling over in my head for a long time. its too bad that i want to have a dimploma. i dont know why, i just do. and school…school is pure torture. i don’t want to be doing it at all. there are so many things i feel like i’d rather do.
but then when i actually sit down and contemplate not having school, i freak out. because i don’t know who i am without school. i am so completely distracted. if its not by art, then its by photography, or chatting, or thinking about senegal, or sitting quietly in the sunlight, walking barefoot outside.

right now i am avoiding doing ridiculous essays. i have been avoiding them for a long time. i wish that i had something more insightful to say in this blog but i really got nothing. i just continue to wonder why i am here. i know its been a good thing that i am here. but i just wonder why. i am good at asking why. pretty much, i ask why more than i trust.

okay, i’ve got something. cultural geography has been a really insightful class despite the millions of ridiculous essays i have to write. one of the things my professor talked about that really kind of scared me is the idea of the ‘plastic state’ in humans. its the state of youth in which we are being formed- our beliefs, our ideals, our habits, our lifestyle. it is largely dependent on how your parents have raised you, but there is subject for change. around the age of 30, your personality and habits begin to hardened and change becomes much more difficult. i don’t know that right now i would want to be frozen in my habits and my thought patterns and some of the ways i react in situations. and that is kind of scary.
i definitely don’t want to be stuck in this habit of feeling like a day is only successful if i get a lot done. and getting something done only counts in my mind if its school work. i hate the anxious feeling i get when i am not productive. like right now. anxiety is so good at overtaking me.
maybe this summer i will get over that. crap, that is my answer to everything. i really hope this summer is something else…