last night i attended a small concert at the frame gallery. the artist was this guy tom conlon from somewhere in pennsylvania, i believe. something he said about hope really struck me. he was talking about the all too happy hymn “I’ll Fly Away” and that it doesnt make sense to sing that song so happy and upbeat. because when you read the lyrics, they convey a desperate hope. tom said that hope only makes sense in the context of longing. and its true. to hope for something is to hope for something you don’t have. to have a deep longing. i don’t think hope is always happy, it can’t be. i heard this song by natasha bedingfield today, called wild horses. i really cherish music that speaks to my soul. i think that we want to hear lyrics that better say what it is that is inside of us.

I feel these four walls closing in Face up against the glass I’m looking out, hmmm Is this my life I’m wondering It happened so fast How do I turn this thing around Is this the bed I chose to make It’s greener pastures I’m thinking about Hmm, wide open spaces far away All I want is the wind in my hair To face the fear but not feel scared Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you Throwing caution to the wind, I’ll run free too Wish I could recklessly love like I’m longing to I wanna run with the wild horses Run with the wild horses, oh I see the girl I wanna be Riding bare-back, care-free Along the shore If only that someone was me Jumping head-first, head-long Without a thought To act and damn the consequence How I wish it could be that easy But fear surrounds me like a fence I wanna break free All I want is the wind in my hair To face the fear, but not feel scared I wanna run too Oooh oh oh oh Recklessly emboundening myself before you I wanna open up my heart Tell him how I feel, ooh ooh

i honestly do long for this.

this song is so appropriate right now. at comm church we are in the middle of a series about fear, as taught by Adam Saenz. it is really easy to relate to the things that he says because the way he presents the material is academic. the first talk, more of an introduction, spoke to me, because i do have a lot of fears. when i think about it, i think the majority of my fears have to do with the future and how i will turn out as a person and whether or not i will find my life meaningful. struggling to find meaning sometimes makes me really fear that my life will not be meaningful.

not only this, but fear and anxiety and burdens show themselves in our physical bodies, it restricts us emotionally, causes problems connecting with people (spouse, family, body of Christ, Christ himself)

i don’t want to live with the fear and anxiety that i do. i can hope that this will change though, it doesn’t have to be this way.