i don’t know if anyone can relate to this. but i love a good cleansing and releasing of my discoveries about myself. i guess that is part of the reason i started this blog. i thought maybe there were other people who saw things the same way, or could at least understand a little bit of what goes on in and around me. i hoped that maybe i could gain insight from my own thoughts and maybe that some others could gain some insight as well.

all this to say, i recognize the mess of self that consumes me.

i like things organized. neat. tidy. and i’d like to think of myself the same way. i try to blog sometimes to organize my feelings, to put them out there, in the public display window, in a neat and orderly fashion.

but if i’ve discovered anything, it’s that inside, i am a dusty, haphazard mess.

i have passions stacked here and there, desires strewn about, and baggage that takes up more space than i wish it would.

i am a paradox of wanting to stand out and wanting to fit in.

i am a black sheep trying to dye its fur white.

i was raised a princess and now try to fit into the life of a pauper (inevitably, with lots of friction).

i want stability and i want unbound freedom. i want what i want, but i want to be selfless.

many of you have joined my journey in discovering where i fit best, post-college. you have read about my excitements and my woes, and labored with me over every decision.

try as i might to have some sort of normality and organization in my life, desires, and feelings- i can’t get there. i can’t even write to you about what is churning inside of me. usually, i can pretty well figure it out and blog about it. but this time, there is too much. months and months of life things are woven together into a sticky web that i can’t control or even quite see.

so really, what i have to say is that i am in a constant struggle against this mess of self. my daily selfishness and sense of entitlement are burdens. and to take that burden one step further, i usually respond in self-deprecation, which is just another form of self-absorption.

and if nothing else, i am seeing more and more truth and praying that God will help me see past myself and start growing in new ways.

ps- seattle was amazing. the bright oranges and reds of the leaves still have my head swimming.