oh my goodness. somehow i had forgotten all about this little blog.

it’s a shame because i love blogging and sharing photos so much. i think that i got extremely overwhelmed by everyone and everything after returning home from greece. traveling and being a newly-engaged woman can guarantee some love from others.

i appreciated everyone’s support, but i tend to get a little overwhelmed, especially if i am expected to be overly excited and extremely social.

after taking some time to myself, all was much better.

i’ve begun the planning, which i enjoy tremendously. i love the artistic part of all of this. coming up with a big picture idea and moving forward to make it happen and focusing on every little detail. i don’t like the administrative part of wedding planning. its the aesthetic that i thrive after.

a refined version of the ongoing conversation in my head. in the hopes of being able to better decipher it.

currently, i’m broke. i’m living in college station and i’m not sure i’ll be able to pay for rent and bills and food this coming month. perhaps i have just enough in my bank account.

every time i sit down and think about things, i start to get really overwhelmed. i’m anxious about how i will tackle all the tasks i believe i have before me.

i believe i am supposed to pursue art. i don’t believe i should take on an over-committed job. i believe i am to plan a wedding. i believe i am to follow Jesus, (i believe i am to grow in this). i believe i am to think about the future with joseph.

but how to do all this?

in regards to art- through loved ones and random books and blogs, i feel led to pursue this as a financial means of support and ministry. many people are willing to help. but usually i know to pursue things when there is a first step that i feel peace about taking. i’m still trying to figure that out.

as a confession, i believe pride is standing in the way. and just as pride is, i didnt even recognize it until two nights ago, at a wedding rehearsal dinner. the groom was talking about prideful people, who consistently compete with others. thats what i do. i have felt crippled (unknowingly by my own pride) in pursuing art. i want to be better than everyone. i want everyone to love what i do. i want praise. i want to be everyone’s favorite. and i don’t want to support anyone else, especially if they try and do the same things that i do in my art.

it is disgusting. but its true. and the thing is, all the other artists i’ve met recently, have done nothing but love and support me, and some even desire to promote me.

and i would not do that for anyone else.

i’m ashamed. but if i am going to move forward, if i am going to learn humility, if i am going to heal, if i am going to be able to pursue art– the darkness has to be revealed.

so there it is.

i’m sorry if i haven’t supported you.

the one other thing that i think will help me move forward is actually spending some time in prayer. the goal is 20 straight minutes, every couple of days. its been awhile since i have prayed this much, but the two times i have sat through this, i have known that it matters. and that there will be growth, wisdom, and answers.