i complain and criticize our society often. the need for speed, production, efficiency, immediate satisfaction, success.

i hate it. yet, i am just as overwhelmed with its power as the rest of its proponents.

and my energy is depleted.

today’s date is april 17, 2009. at 9 am on may 15, 2009, i will be walking across the stage and still, i have no answers. there must be five or six answers i await. they taunt me from afar. suspended, hanging by a thread, i wait. and i can’t stand it.

i despise not being in control and not knowing any answers. i have so many fears and feel so vulnerable.

every time i reach a level believing that no more faith is required and my waiting has finished, i am pressed further on.

i am going in cycles- one day fully trusting, the next day hopeless.

i feel unsuccessful because i have nowhere to go. i tell myself that i am waiting for the Lord to reveal my next steps. or am i just being lazy? i can’t decide. but i’m exhausted.

ps. two days ago was my one-year blog anniversary. crazy! oh how i love it.